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He’s Just Not That Into You and Other Valuable Manvice

January 24, 2012 by karajames

Yes.

Those famous words from the little show with the big wardrobe budget.   In Sex And The City, Episode 4 of Season 6, when Carrie Bradshaw’s boyfriend uttered those six little words, over a mouthful of food, I might add, it struck a chord with me.  I watched the episode, I subsequently bought the book and hell, I even watched the movie.  All with the same idea gnawing away in the back of my head.

For me, it wasn’t about saying goodbye to the head games and drama and finally realizing what’s real and what I truly deserve.  Nah.   I’m still as clueless as ever when it comes to drama free dating.

For me, where the words were coming from made all the difference.  I’m talking about who was saying them.    Yep.  You guessed it.  A man.  It makes sense, doesn’t it?  No one is better qualified to give better relationship advice to a woman than a man.   Who else knows the complexity of the male brain better than another guy?

It’s what I call Manvice and it’s a fabulous thing to behold.

There are a few rules., however, to make sure the Manvice arena remains true and untarnished.

1. The man you choose must be just a friend with absolutely no interest in you whatsoever.   There can be no hidden agendas involving his bed and/or his penis.    Write that one down because it’s important.

2. He needs to be a card carrying heterosexual.  Sure, gay friends are fantastic but you need a guy with a wealth of experience dating women.

3. You must never, under any circumstances, ask for Manvice in the middle of the night after a horrendous fight or while you’re standing outside your exes house in the rain with mascara running down your face.  That’s what your girlfriends are for.  Manvice is harsh and brutal.  Men don’t sugar coat anything and if you’re crying, they will hang up on you.

Which brings me to the final rule:

4. You have to be ready to hear it.   A man will tell you the truth and sometimes, the truth hurts.   Hey, sometimes Manvice is good.  Sometimes it’s great!  Your manfriend will walk you through the first date and help ensure you get a second date.  He can decode all the signals and let you know in an instant if this is someone worth pursuing.  Best of all, you can believe it because it’s coming from a GUY!  But, sometimes, and believe me, I have been there, he’ll tell you those words that we may not want to hear:

He’s just not that into you…

Either way, stop guessing and stop obsessing.  Get yourself a qualified Manvice practitioner.  I have four fabulous manfriends who mean the world to me and have been there for me through good times and bad.  I suggest you get yourself one right now.

Let me know how it goes, would you?

Posted in Dating, Manvice - Maybe He's Just Not That Into You | Tagged , , | Leave a Comment »

Holiday Etiquette: Your Questions Answered

November 28, 2011 by karajames

We’ve arrived.  In a split second, we find ourselves knee deep in the holidays.

There are still so many parties to attend, gifts to buy, people to greet.  It seems never ending, doesn’t it?   Amidst all of this hustle and bustle, we’re always wondering if we did the right thing.    This seems to be the time when everyone’s asking themselves those etiquette questions; making sure we’re doing everything right.

I’ve consulted everyone from Peggy Post, granddaughter of the grand Dame of etiquette Emily Post and Director of the Emily Post Institute.  I also checked in to see what  Judith Martin, a.k.a., Miss Manners had to say on the matter.

And here’s my little holiday gift for you: the answers to some of those holiday questions.

Here we go.

I’m a teacher and I get a lot of gifts over the holidays.  Although I appreciate them all, some are not always something that I need or can use.  What’s the word on exchanging and regifting?

In the words of Peggy Post, “being gracious about a gift doesn’t mean you always have to keep it” Really? Hurray!  Well, thank you Etiquette Lady! Feel  free to exchange that commemorative Coronation Street lunch plate or cute little Kitten Calendar.  All’s good in the ‘hood if you can exchange it.  But what if you can’t?  What’s the rule on the matching set of 12 hand crocheted placemats?  Is regifting an option?  Sure, but there are rules.  If the item is new and in it’s original packaging, you’re good to go.  Also, in order to keep that good Karma rolling, make sure the recipient will truly be happy with such a gift.  If that weren’t enough, etiquette states that items that have been made, created or painstakingly chosen just for you should not end up in the regift pile.   Yes, that means you’re stuck with that matching set of 12 hand crocheted placemats.

 

I just don’t have the time to send Christmas cards anymore so I’ve decided to email a holiday newsletter to all my friends and family.  Any tips?

Everyone seems to agree that a holiday newsletter is perfectly acceptable.  Especially in this ecofriendly, electronic age, there’s nothing wrong with clicking a button and letting everyone know you’re thinking of them.  That being said, make sure your newsletter is short and sweet.  A page or less is sufficient.  You don’t have time to send out Christmas cards?  It’s most likely your friends don’t have time to read about Johnny’s trip to the orthodontist or a play by play of how you created that prize winning fruit cake.

It’s perfectly acceptable to catch us up on what you’ve been doing and where you’ve been going but remember to keep things in perspective.     A letter can slip from “I miss you and I’m thinking of you” to “My life is fabulous and don’t you wish you were me?”  Enough said.

 

During the holidays, there’s never a shortage of house party invitations.   I never come empty handed but is it acceptable to take home the alcohol I brought and didn’t quite finish?

First let me say,  good for you for not polishing off that entire 40 ouncer.   Do we really need another Facebook album dedicated to you entitled: “Guess Who Needs An Intervention?”  Tthis is a tricky question and I must admit, a hard one to research.  BYOB is a concept that doesn’t normally creep into the Martha Stewart Guide  To Entertaining.  Sure, I can tell you how many drinks to serve and what to do when your guests start taking off their clothes but whether or not to leave the alcohol you brought?  I’ll have to go with my gut here, so feel free to respond if you don’t agree.   If you’re attending a holiday fete with a Bring Your Own Booze theme, by all means bring whatever alcoholic beverage suits your fancy: wine, beer, malt liquor.  Who really cares.  And for God’s sake when it’s time to go, leave the booze behind.  Do you really want to be the guy rooting through the fridge for the last two bottles of Coors Light you didn’t manage to down?   Are you going to take home your half eaten cheese ball too?    Taking your booze with you is tacky.  And a note to the hosts out there: if your guests bring you a lovely bottle of wine, it’s proper etiquette to serve it.  Don’t stash it in favour of the 4 week Ubrew you uncorked for the occasion.

 

Where do I draw the gift line?  School teacher, piano teacher, mail carrier, garbage guys, hairdresser..help!

This, once again, is one of those lines that must be drawn by you.  Nobody can tell  you who and who not to spend money on.   Hey, Miss Manners tells us to give gifts to everyone including the guy who fire bombs those annoying flyers into your mailbox.  Look, if I were made of money,  everybody would be getting a piece but times are tough all around.  As a rule of thumb, your child’s teacher definitely deserve a taste of the old Christmas pot.  Gift cards are a fantastic gift so forgo the “World’s Best Teacher” magnet or the ever popular Christmas mug.   Definitely give a gift to any day care providers, your nanny or babysitter.  Peggy Post suggests tipping a little extra to your service providers (hair stylist, manicurist, personal trainer, etc) Honestly though, that’s up to you and what kind of situation you’re in.  Don’t stress about it.  If you just can’t manage to throw a bit of extra coin to the girl who taught your son’s swimming lessons for two weeks last summer, don’t sweat it.  They’ll forgive you.

 

My co worker gave me a gift the other day and I had nothing for her!  I felt terrible.   What should I do if this happens again?

Do NOT apologize if someone gives you a gift and you don’t have one for them.  I know it’s tempting, but resist the urge to tell them that you left their gift at home, it’s on back order, was stolen from your car last night or caught fire during a freak electronic mishap.  Just graciously say thank you and be on your way.  I know we get lost in the material spirit of the season but really, did she give you the gift in the hopes that she’d get something back?  She did?  Well, that’s a completely different article entitled: “When To Let Bad Friends Go”

I’ve been invited to a holiday party next week in my neighbourhood.   Is it okay to bring my kids?

;dlksfjawd;itgoj\w

Sorry.  I just had a mini stroke and fell into my keyboard.  Are you kidding?

Take a careful look at the invitation.   Unless it says:  ‘Children Welcome’, is signed  The Entire Schwartz Family or is written in crayon, get a babysitter.   Holiday parties are traditionally for adults only, especially if they take place in the evening.  True, some neighbourhoods have glorious Open Houses where everybody strings popcorn, sings carols and the fattest neighbour on the block plays Santa for the kiddies.  You may live in one of these neighbourhoods and if you do, probably best to call just to be sure.  Your host or hostess will be delighted with a quick courtesy phone call asking if children are invited as well.   If, on the other hand, you’re planning the party of the decade and get a phone call asking if Junior and the Twin Babies can attend, don’t be a wuss.  Say no.

Will I offend someone if I wish them a Merry Christmas?

In the words of my friend Melissa, ‘Christmas is not a secular holiday!’  It is however, completely acceptable to wish someone the best of the season.  Whether you’re in the mall, the parking lot, or the hot tub at the gym (okay, that last one’s a bit weird), there’s nothing wrong with shooting a quick smile and saying: “Have a wonderful holiday!  All the best!”  Hey, most of us take a few days off work and enjoy some time with friends and family regardless of what religion we happen to practice, right?  It comes from a good place, so I say, go with it.

On that note, no matter where you are or what you celebrate, the best of the season to you and yours.

My final piece of advice?  Cocktails.  Good in every language.

Posted in Daily Observations | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

10 Things to Do When Your Kids Are Gone and You’re Bored

October 19, 2011 by karajames

Just like you, I love my kids.  I adore them.   They are most definitely the single biggest and best accomplishment of my life.   In my particular situation, I share their precious time, with their Dad.  What does that mean?  Well, sometimes, they’re at their Dad’s house and I’m on my own.

Sure, this can be a good thing.  Plenty of time to get housework done and engage in some kind of social life.   Sleeping in on the weekends and organizing my closet.  Check.

But, I have to tell you, because my social life is still a work in progress, I’m left with a whole lot of down time.   After the house is cleaned, the dishes are done, the laundry is folded and put away – then what do you do?

This leaves me with a lovely little list which I will pass on to you.

Things To Do In [insert city here] When You’re Bored and/or Miss Your Kids.

1. Stare out the window.  Stare at people who walk by.  Have a cat?  Pick it up and stroke it, lovingly while you’re staring.  Keep a tally of how many people purposefully cross the street.  Be proud of that ‘crazy lady’ moniker.  You’re gonna earn it.

2. Put on some old school music and dance like you used to.  This may or may not bring up some old school memories which might result in an open bottle of wine.  Proceed accordingly.

3. Call your best friend and talk endlessly about all your problems.  The phone is perfect for this as you can’t tell if she’s rolling her eyes.

4. Update your facebook status to read: ‘Kids are Gone.  Lonely and Bored’.  Your fb friends will feel obligated to comment with encouraging words and ego boosters.  Every little bit helps.

5. Watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta on Slice.  This show always makes me feel better.  None of the women on that show are the least bit attractive but they have confidence and style and they rock OUT! (See? Confidence is really all you need!)!

6. Go to the grocery store with your Ipod on.  The music will make you smile.  Everyone will wonder why you’re smiling and assume your life is fantastic.  Men will notice and begin asking you to help them choose produce.  Of course, you won’t hear them because your Gloria Gaynor is blasting in your ears.

7. Troll internet dating sites.  No, seriously, you don’t have to join but there are a few free ones like Plenty of Fish which will allow you to search the available single men in your city.  Not only will you have a good laugh at all the photos of motorcycles and prize winning fish, you’ll also realize how many single men are in your area.  There are a lot.  Much more than you think.

8. There’s a reason why gossip magazines are a billion dollar industry.  People want to know that celebrities have problems too.  Yes, they’re rich and famous and have access to the personal trainer, the chef and the plastic surgeon but that doesn’t always equal happiness.  Buy yourself a trashy gossip mag and get in the know.  Money cannot buy happiness.  There is hope for you yet!

9.Rent The Pursuit of Happyness with Will Smith.   This unbelievably fantastic film chronicles the true story of Chris Gardner, who went from homeless single father to self made millionaire.  The story will inspire you.  It did me.

10. Take an exercise class.  Preferably one which involves hitting things.  Need I explain?

Yes, it sucks when the kids are at their Dads.   But treasure these moments.  Just as you treasure each precious moment you have with them.

What do you do when YOU have some time to yourself?  Let me know!

Posted in Motherhood | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment »

Have I Become ‘The Embarrassing Mother’?

August 5, 2011 by karajames

Okay so here’s the rundown: I think of myself as a pretty modern type of gal.  I love to blast the music while I’m driving,  I’m all about a great live band, and an even better bottle of red.  I’m hip.  I’m cooool!

But, when did the tide change for me?  When did I become the thing that only exists in the deepest, darkest corners of our childhood memories:

Of course, I’m talking about: The Embarrassing Mother

When did I become this?  When did my little baby girl become old enough to roll her eyes at me when I pinch her cute little cheeks?  Oprah’s gone through at least 4 fat/skinny cycles since my almost seven year old was born but I still can’t believe I’m at this moment…already.

I’m ready to stand at the podium and announce to the crowd of people drinking coffee on cheap folding chairs:

Hi.  My name is Kara, and I regularly embarrass my child.  Do you?

Yes the embarrassing mother.  This is the woman who can bring a child to sheer mortification at a moments notice. The mother who not only volunteers to chaperone the grade 8 dance but.. dances! She honks the horn loudly as she waits to drive you home. She kisses you in public and puts little notes in your lunch box with smiley faces. Yes. That’s me. I’ve arrived.

Of course, I blame my own mother. She was, of course, the Queen of all embarrassing mothers. The smiley faces, the sloppy kisses, the hand holding. I swear I have permanent nerve damage from crouching down in the backseat of the car each morning.

“NO!” I would scream.

“Stop the car! Stop the car!” Apparently, the Partridge Family was blaring too loudly for her to hear me.  She would drive SL-O-O-O-W-L-Y to the front doors of the school. How dare she!! I was frozen in the back seat like Donny Osmond at a Frat Party, crippled with anxiety. “SOMEONE WILL SEE!!!”

“Wait!” she would announce. “This is my favourite part”. Then, as if some higher power was punishing me for breaking the arm off of my sister’s Farrah Fawcett doll, she would crank the volume and sing along. Like a John Hughes movie all eyes were on us. My classmates stood frozen on the lawn, mouths gaping open in horror watching my mother simultaneously singing ‘Come On Get Happy’ and reach in for one last hug before shuttling me out the car door.

And yet, having been emotionally damaged by that and many other similar events, here I am today: the only mother left sobbing in the school parking lot long after all the sane mothers have gone home.

Why is this happening to me?  I’m the Cool Mom, aren’t I?  Do you think Lourdes is embarrassed when Momma Madonna shows up at the PTA meeting in a leather bustier?  Well, most likely, yes. I like to think she is.  I blame the brain.  The not quite fully developed frontal lobe to be specific.  Young children and even teenagers haven’t quite developed the part of the brain that predicts the outcome of situations.  What does that mean?  When you break into song in the middle of the grocery store and your little one says: “STOP or I will die!!”, in her little underdeveloped mind, she just might.  So, blame the brain and keep practicing those dance moves while you walk her into class.  Someday, she’ll be an embarrassing mother too.

Are you an embarrassing mother too?  Any embarrassing mother stories to share?

Posted in Motherhood | Leave a Comment »

Wills and Kate: Happily Ever After.

April 27, 2011 by karajames

Strawberries, crumpets, devon cream, insert British stereotype here.  Champagne bottles all over the world are popping and Mimosas are being passed around by bleary eyed Royal watchers from sea to shining sea.   The happy ending.  The happily ever after.  Sealed with a kiss.

Hey,  I’m as thrilled as your old  Gran that the gorgeous prince William has found the girl of his dreams and I sincerely hope the two will be very happy together.  I really do.  I remember my own parents waking me up in the wee hours of the morning to watch the last big Royal ‘I do’.  Dad and Mumsy raised their Mimosas and I swear I saw a tear roll down my mother’s cheek as Charles and Diana shared a Cinderella worthy kiss on the balcony while millions looked on.   Sadly, we also watched as that marriage crumbled into a pile of sadness and scandal followed by the heart wrenching tragedy of Diana’s death.   No happy ending.  That’s not the way it’s supposed to happen!  Which Disney film ends like that?

As a young child, I remember being quite disappointed that I never got to see Snow White and her Prince skip to my loo down the aisle.   Imagine my unabashed glee as I watched Cinderella and her Prince descend the palace staircase all decked out in wedded splendor and dodging those confetti throwing mice.  Her in white wedding glory and he in his military finest.  And they kissed.  They kissed!  Ah.  The happy ending.  Is that what we’re waiting for?  Is that what’s dragged us out of bed at the crack of dawn? Prince William and Kate are poised to bring us a real live version of  the happily ever after we’re desperate to witness – first hand.   In a world filled with economic unrest, war and natural disaster, perhaps a happy ending is exactly what we need.

I must admit, I don’t know how much a glass slipper goes for these days but fairy tale weddings come at a very steep price.  It’s estimated that these royal nuptials could cost up to 60 million dollars.  Yes.  60 million.  Seriously!  The Royal Family and the Middletons will pick up the tab for most of it but British tax payers are on the hook for street cleaning and security.  I suppose it’s a small price to pay when you consider the billion dollars that are being pumped into the British economy. (where else can you get your commemorative Wills and Kate Royal Wedding Condoms? )

Regardless, after more than one stab at the Royal Happy Ending gone bust (remember toe sucking Fergie?), everyone is hopeful that the Prince has found his common girl.  The glass slipper fits, the evil nay sayers have been forever banished and they will live Happily Ever After in a land not so far, far away.

So, pass me another glass.  Any excuse to pop the champagne bottle before noon is alright by me.

Cheers!

Posted in Daily Observations, Pop Culture | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

Turn That Frown Upside Down!

April 14, 2011 by karajames

Yes, I know.  If you’re like me, you want to punch people who say that to you.  Or how about people who view The Secret as some kind of Scientology-esque club?  They hound you to jump on the band wagon of all those positive thinkers.  Hey, I’m all for being optimistic and I do try my hardest to banish those negative thoughts but it’s not always easy, is it?

It doesn’t take a lot to make us feel a little down.  The economy sucks right now so unless you’re the Real Housewives of Somewhere That Isn’t My Hometown, you’re feeling the pinch.  Even bread and milk are more expensive, gas is unbelievable (remember when we complained at 50 cents a litre?)  I heard a vicious rumour that my dearly beloved Tim Horton’s coffee is about to be added to the list of things I can’t afford.   Add to that the words ‘single’, ‘dateless’ and ‘over forty’ and well… you get the idea.

Yes, it’s easy to open another bottle of wine and say: “Poor Me!” but there comes a time to look around you and appreciate the things you have.  Aldous Huxley said: “Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted” Do you agree?  What are you thankful for?  A healthy child?  A group of supportive friends?  A limited edition David Cassidy lunch box?  How about a safe neighbourhood, clean running water and a doctor who will see you whenever you want….for free.

The earth has finally tilted in the right direction.  Spring has sprung and it’s time to shed off that negative coil and restart our thinking in a new direction.  I’m going to make a real effort to appreciate the things I have rather than dwelling on the things I don’t.  Are you with me?

Here’s a few statistics to help put you in the mind set:

925 million people around the world are hungry. 

Almost 1 billion people on the planet do not have access to clean water. 

18% of the world’s population cannot read or write.

Eckhart said: “If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, thank you, that would suffice.”

Tell me: What are you thankful for?

Posted in Enjoy Your Life! | Tagged , , | 1 Comment »

Spring Has Sprung! 5 Things To Get You In The Mood

April 2, 2011 by karajames

When you’re living in the middle of  South Western Ontario, Canada, winter can be pretty bleak.  Okay, bleak is just a 19th century word for crappy.  Yes.  It sucks.  Once the holiday season is over and most of us have taken down the old Christmas lights,  each day seems more drab and dreary than the next.   We are on the edge of our seats, like wild bulls ready for that gate to open and send us hurling into the warm weather again.   Are we there yet?  Yes, we are definitely getting close.

Here’s a little something to get you there.  5 things to do to get yourself ready for the warm weather.  By the time you’ve finished the list, you’ll be cracking a Corona and sparking up those backyard Tiki Torches.  I guarantee it.

5 Things To Do To Get Ready For Spring


1. Tackle The Clothes Switcheroo


Pack away all those turtlenecks and f lannel pyjamas and bring out the tank tops and flirty little sundresses.   I’m sure there’s a sweater or two that deserves to be put out to pasture.  Get rid of them.  Good Riddance.  Gone.  It feels great to unpack those Spring and Summer clothes that have been hiding deep in our storage rooms for months.   Remind yourself of what you have and start compiling that wish list of what you need.


2. Get A Haircut


Nothing says fresh start like a new ‘do.  Chop off that drab winter hair and try something gloriously fantastic for Spring.  A new haircut always makes me feel energized and refreshed.  New season = new you!


3. Get A Head Start On Those Toes


I don’t know about you, but regular pedicures are not something that makes it’s way into my winter budget.  I tend to neglect my little tootsies as I cram them into thermal wool socks and industrial strength boots.  Do yourself a huge favour and book a relaxing pedicure.  Now that’s a great way to start the season.   Slough off six months worth of dead skin and say hello to your pretty little Spring feet.  It might just motivate you to invest in those cute little open toed sandals you’ve had your eye on.


4. Take A Walk Through Your Neighbourhood


In my neighbourhood, the coming of spring is like that scene in The Wizard of Oz where Glenda, the good witch tells all the little munchkins to come out, come out, where ever they are.  Suddenly, all these hibernating neighbours who I haven’t seen all winter, come popping out from all directions, desperately searching for a breath of fresh air and a little Vitamin D.  I love to walk through my neighbourhood at this time of year.  The smell of the fresh earth, the sound of giggling children taking their first bike ride of the year, get out there and enjoy it.  Very good for the soul.


5. Clean


I know, this might not be the most popular suggestion in the world, but it does feel pretty damned good to go through all those junk drawers and over stuffed storage containers and make a fresh start.   Spring is prime garage sale time so start compiling your trash to treasure collection now.


Well, thankfully, we made it through another long and treacherous Canadian winter, hibernation is ending and we’re all ready to feel a little more bright eyed and bushy tailed.  Hopefully, these suggestions will help.  Here’s to a safe and happy season for all of us!

Posted in Enjoy Your Life! | Tagged , , | Leave a Comment »

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