Well, my fellow Rose Worshippers. We made it. As you’ve probably figured out by now: yes, Brad did put a ring on someone’s finger. Is it a good thing? Well, that remains to be seen. First though, we have to sit through a recap of the entire season with wooden little Brad using words like “really special” and “so awesome”.
After that’s over, we see that dear old Brad is still in South Africa; the Bachelor camp has moved to Cape Town, amidst breath taking views and very, very good eye candy for the average TV viewer. Brad’s family is there to greet him: Brad’s Mom Pamela, his twin brother Chad (yes, Brad and Chad. Are you surprised?) Chad’s wife Dillon, his brother Wesley and his wife Prima. Brad gets all tearful and…wait for it… finally, in true Jason Mesnick style, hugs that balcony railing like it’s his last dose of Xanax as the tears flow out of his wooden body. His twin brother Chad offers support and Brad confirms that yes, he is finally ready to propose. Ding ding ding ding!
Keep in mind folks, his bro and his Mom have both been through this before so they’re a little apprehensive. But look! All is right with the world, Chantal brought wine! She channels all her nervous energy into full on turbo charged speech. In rapid fire fashion she goes into the whole tale of how she met Brad, had some great dates, got rained on, blah blah blah. Cue the protective brothers! Chad and Wes swoop into to get a feel for the sitch and Chantal convinces them that she’s ‘for real’.
“Are you really ready to do this?”
Chantal: Like, ya. I’d marry him right now, on the spot.
Wes: good enough for me, bro.
Then its Mama Bear time as Chantal gets the ‘What’s up?” from Brad’s Mom.
Chantal: My heart is open (wine sip) I’ve learned so much (wine sip) I won’t settle (wine sip, wine sip) blah blah blah (wine sip)
By the end of it, the two are best pals as Brad’s Mom tells her she’s precious and BAM! The stamp of approval has been placed on Chantal’s forehead.
Now, it’s Lil Ol’ Emily’s turn. I must say, she handled herself very well despite Brad’s clunky brothers and their inane questions
Wes: How would your dead boyfriend feel about you moving to Texas?
Emily: Well, I was born a Coal Miner’s Daughter…
Then, she breaks into song and… no, not really but she does break into the sad and heartbreaking tale that resulted in sweet little Ricky Bobby. Of course, Brad’s whole fam damily chokes back the tears and cute, bubbly half drunk Chantal becomes a distant memory.
The Womack clan weigh in on the two ladies. As expected, the wives are pulling for Emily. Probably because they look suspiciously exactly like her! They call her the ‘whole package’ and the dividing line becomes alarmingly clear: Chantal is FUN and a RIOT! She’s the good times girl. Emily is the homebody with the child and the responsibilities and not so much wine.
Last chance for the final date!
Chantal is up first and lucky girl! Her very last romantic date with Brad is…. climbing into a rusty old cage and swimming in shark infested waters. Aw…romance! Brad and Chantal do not get eaten by the sharks (is that a good thing?) and head back to the hotel room for more wine. For some reason, Chantal decides to present Brad with a crafty little project that she made with her little old boozy hands. She gives him a lovely little hand drawn map marking all the places they’ve been together. Brad loves it, gives a little cardboard hug and that’s the end of it. Hmmm… I didn’t feel a whole lot of chemistry going on there. Did you?
Next up is Emily who is in full on self sabotage mode from the get go. She doesn’t seem convinced that Brad really wants to be a Dad so she takes it upon herself to prepare him:
Emily: No beer. No football.
Umm.. you do know he’s from Texas, right? Brad does his best to reassure her that he is ready to step into full on Dad mode. In true Brady Bunch fashion, he can never take the place of Ricky’s Dad but he’ll be there for both of them – one hundred percent.
Brad: I guarantee that I can love you and your daughter more than you can ever imagine.
Emily: At three in the morning when she’s puked in her bed? Will you love her then? Huh? Will you?
She makes it seem as if life with Ricky Bobby will be a whole lot of emergency rooms, pea soup projective vomit and routine head spins. Good times! Hey, I see where she’s coming from. She’s a single Mom, she wants to protect her child. If that’s the case, sweets, maybe you shouldn’t have gone looking for love on a reality show. You think?
After all this grilling and self sabotaging, Brad is literally melting under the pressure. He looks uncomfortable in the midst of a full on panic attack. He gives Emily a super awkward goodbye hug and he’s out of there. Surprisingly, his therapist is nowhere to be found so poor Brad has to suffer through his massive anxiety all by himself. He walks away feeling defeated and maybe a bit rejected. Well, we know men by now, don’t we? She pushed him away? She’s not available? She held him at a distance? Giddy Up! That’s like verbal Viagra for guys. Emily now has my vote.
Brad is left to mull over these difficult, life altering decisions. Just when I started to feel badly for him that he had no therapist to counsel him there’s a knock at the door. Who could it be? Dr. Drew? Chris Harrison? Deanna Papas begging for a second chance and another fifteen minutes of fame? Nah, it’s just the Ring Guy. Brad invites him in and starts perusing the merchandise.
Brad: You know, I’ve been here before and I didn’t end up giving the ring to anyone.
Ring guy: Ya, six weeks return policy on this one too, pal.
Brad makes a choice and in classic Bachelor style, chooses the biggest one. Why do they always choose the biggest rock? Something Freudian in that?
Before you know it, Rose Lovers, it’s Limousine time. Emily chooses a gorgeous Greek Goddess-ish white gown. Chantal picks a dark green number complete with a bunch of confusing feathers and they’re off.
Well, as all true Bachelor lovers know, the first out of the limo is pretty much toast. And who is it? Chantal. Brad looks nervous and awkward whenever he looks at her. Maybe it’s the dead bird she chose to pin onto the shoulder of that hideous dress. Finally, after an excruciatingly long build up during which he went on about their connection and how he can be himself and yadda yadda yadda, he finally breaks it to her. She’s not the one.
“I have stronger feelings for someone else”
Someone else? Is there something going on we don’t know about? There’s only two of them Brad, Chantal has a pretty good idea of who this someone else person is, dude. She should have slapped him like she did when she first stepped out of the limo during episode one. Don’t worry, Chantal. He’ll come find you when Emily dumps him. She climbs back into the car for the patented Bachelor Reject Ugly Cry. Good thing she put that pint of Haagen Daz in her room for later.
Next up, it’s Emily looking like Helen of Troy stepping out of the limo. Poor Chris Harrison. He had literally nothing to do this entire episode. No awesome fashion choices, no man to man time with the Bradster. He takes Emily’s arm, leads her to the Proposal Podium and he’s out.
Brad launches into a full on speech written by some unemployed script writer on loan to ABC. At times, it looked like he had a pile of cue cards clutched in his hand as he gets all emotional and teary yet sticks to the script. I must admit, Emily’s teeth are a bit distracting but it is a pretty special moment.
Brad: I love you, darlin’
Emily: I love you too, sugah.
Throw in his signature creep-line: “Come here to me”, and there you have it. Ladies and gentlemen. May I introduce: Ken and Barbie. Who soon will be moving to a lovely Connecticut community called: Stepford.
But wait! There’s another hour yet to come! After the Rose special airs next where we get to rip open all of Chantal’s freshly healed wounds, get a look at the happy couple and give some old bachelor winners some coveted screen time.
I won’t go into a huge recap of the After Special but I will tell you: Chantal apparently has a boyfriend who I suspect is imaginary, and Brad and Emily are most definitely doomed. Emily’s body language showed that she’s scared of him. She mentioned how he has a temper and they’ve already had several ‘knock down, drag out fights” Now there’s an environment that’s perfect for a five year old, don’t you think?
Chris Harrison commented on the fact that they had actually planned to get married right there on the show but that plan was scrapped. He also comments on how she’s not wearing her ring. Sure, they lead us to believe that they’d never bothered to have it sized but the sophisticated Bachelor fan knows she whipped it at him during a particularly messy argument. No fooling us, Brad! Well, he gets down on one knee again and slips the ‘newly sized’ ring on her finger. For a minute, she looked behind her as if checking for exit signs but then thought better of it and gave him a big old hug. Not buying it.
After some ‘advice’ from the Ghosts of Bachelor past (Ryan and Trista? Enough of them, already!) the two head off into the rest of their lives. Well, at least the next two or three months. Keep an eye on those tabloids, Bachelor lovers. Do you think this one will last?
Never fear, the new Bachelorette has been announced so I’ll be back to recap y’all in no time. Who is the Bachelorette, you ask? Well, Team Bachelor has once again ignored the public cry for some fresh blood and gone with a reject once again:
Yep. Ashley/Dentist will soon begin her search for love. Until next time!
Here we are again. March 17th. St. Patrick’s Day. If you happen to be Irish or perhaps you know someone who is Irish, or maybe you once consumed a bowl of Lucky Charms or owned a K-Tel copy of The Unicorn by the Irish Rovers, it doesn’t matter. You’re officially indoctrinated into the fold. Grab something green and get ready. Somewhere, close by, there’s a party going on.
Friends of mine, are already preparing for the festivities – ready to leave work early and hit the pub around noon. Yes, I said noon. Oh, there will be giant green felt hats, sparkly green vests and if you’re lucky, a shillelagh to poke those around you who dare not to wear green.
There’s one tradition though, that I’d like to change. Let’s lose the leprechaun. It’s creepy, and overdone. Since that ridiculous movie with a young and big-nosed Jennifer Aniston, the idea of a Leprechaun is neither cute or lucky. I say we come up with a new St. Patrick’s Day icon.
Sure, he did some films in the 80s like 
Like many of you, I watched Miley Cyrus perform at the 2010 Much Music Video Awards this past Sunday in Toronto.
